Past Week

Well this has been a busy week…

That's me with 438 OUNCES
of donated breast milk!!!

Mom and Abby headed back to Texas this week... It was truly a God send that they could be here as long as they were. They both had time to bond with Abel before he made his debut, Abby read Harry Potter to Abel and my mom shared her kind words with him. He got to know them and love them, I am so grateful for that. Even more they were able to meet him on his big day! Once again those were priceless moments; I am so thankful for the family that was there and got to share in our greatest joy!  God knew our journey and Abel before we did. I believe it all happened in His time because He knew the outcome before we did. He knew I would need Abby to be my friend and a constant in a time of sadness. He knew I would need the comfort only a mother could provide. I am forever thankful they were here this summer. Thank you Jesus for knowing my needs before I do!

Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him
Matthew 6:8

This was my "pumping station" for the past 6-8 weeks.
Marsha is the bright yellow pump in the table! 

Sometimes you just have to do it… I just had to do it… It was time to stop pumping… Pumping has been a comfort. It has been a way to help others which is also my way of coping and probably distracting me of some real issues. It also kept the pregnancy real and the story from ending. Victor has been such a great support. Pumping has definitely put a cramp in our social life and trying to find a new “normal”; 15 minutes every 3 hours can really put a damper on plans and adventures. I am thankful for a husband that supported my idea to help others and a husband that understood when I said it was all I had left… so with mixed emotions I returned my sweet friend Marsha (yes I named my pump). With great excitement I am very proud to say I donated 438 ounces this time! That is a total of 702 ounces that went to some needed babies out there!!! Say a quick prayer for the milk they receive, for the babies in need and the families, thanks!

Last week I was also lucky to have my best friend come and visit! Candice and I have been best friends since 4^th grade. We all know girls will fight and tiff, we sure have had our fights but our story is crazy and it is funny how we always seem to find our way back to each other like no time has ever passed. We truly have one of those “once in a lifetime kind of friendships”. I am so glad she was able to come and visit. Her visit helped me face the world and adventures I never thought I could or even would. All things are possible! I can do it! I will do it!

I know the weeks to come will be full of mixed emotions as well, as I gear up to head back to work (and face more days without my sister). It is scary and uneasy. Facing the world is harder some days than others. But I can do it, I will do it, I have to. Abel was a fighter and I have to be one too, for him! Thanks for the prayers in advance!

Hope whoever reads this has a great weekend and week to come. Today is beautiful outside here in Tennessee and I can’t wait to enjoy its beauty!  Remember to be still and quiet to hear God, because sometimes he whispers. Have a great weekend! Love you all so very much! 

Truthfully and Honest

Two months since our little Abel came into this world and two months since our little Abel went home to Jesus. It has been a while since I have shared our story. There is so much I want to share and tell but it’s not always so easy but today I am trying…

I was reminded last night that throughout this journey I have done my best to be transparent and open; some moments have been a little more honest than others, today may be one of those. I have had trouble writing and sharing recently because I haven’t been true to myself. Trust me I have tried to share and write because although we know Abel is forever in heaven mine and Victor’s story still goes on. Last night as I was reminded of these traits I realized every time I try to write I continue to put 'up a front'. I want to be happy, optimistic, and faithful to let the world know we are OK. I have not been honest with you as friends, family, myself, sometimes Victor, but even more God. We are broken. There is some anger we are working on. Our hearts hurt in a deep anguishing pain. There are some days we can be optimistic and there are some days we don’t want to get out of bed much less carry on. We are not OK BUT we will be, one day. That day doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow it will come when it is ready to come when our hearts are ready to be. God knows my heart but I have to open it to Him, it is my job to share and talk with Him so that He can help me so He can help us.

My writing has been my outlet for a lot. It has been a way to share our journey with friends and family. I started this so that the truth good and bad could be shared and told, so that friends and family would feel that it was OK to talk about; in fact it helps. It helps not to ignore the issue. Some days it helps even more to talk about Abel like the little boy he is and was. I started sharing so people could see God’s presence through even the darkest moments. I am in those darkest moments now and I am afraid they could still get darker… I know God is there. I know He continues to love Victor and me but being honest, sometimes I wish I could feel Him hold us even closer. I need to feel His squeeze!

When Abel was with us I thought I coped and worked through my emotions well. Truth be it, I don’t think I was working through them at all instead I was strong and brave without hesitation because that's what Abel needed. I just did. I have had so many moms compliment me on my strength and courage, thank you. Truth be it; I believe any good mother would have done the same thing for their baby. Your way may be different than mine but it is what YOU believe is best for YOU, YOUR baby and YOUR family. No lie, caring Abel did have some rough days but as I have said before I put on my big girl panties and carried on. I was Abel’s life line and he needed me and I sure wasn’t going to let that sweet little boy down- I would have and still would give anything for that baby boy. But now… now… it is just me and Victor. Now I have to face ALL of the emotions… Anger. Love. Disappointment. Hurt. Pain. Excitement. Happiness. Loneliness. Emptiness. Accomplishment. Pride. And emotions I don’t even know how to put words to. No one writes a grieving manual on this stuff. Why write a book that you hope no one ever has to read? How to do you write a how-to when as similar as our situations and stories can be all-in-all we have nothing in common? The only true thing we now have in common is that we are both parents to forever little angels.

How do I learn to hold back the tears as the lady at the gas station ask about my baby? How do I learn to take a shower by myself again? How do I learn to just soak in the moments when I get a whiff of how Abel smelt on our special day? How do I learn that I may be ok one minute and in tears the next? How do I get out of bed some days? How do I learn and accept that I don’t have to be ok every day or that I don’t have to be strong for others? How do I really accept that this is my time to mourn in my way?

You can’t write a manual on this stuff because it is different for each of us. Being more honest; Victor is the only one that knows my pain, his heart is the only heart that feels even close to the pain as mine. That being said though he still doesn’t know. He can empathize but the ugly truth is I CARRIED ABEL. And now Abel is not here.

Last night a different friend also shared a lovely article "Not Everything Happens For a Reason". Great article, take a second and read it. I have had to remind myself on numerous occasions that people say this because they don’t know better or they don’t know what else to say. As Abel’s mommy, as a grieving mother, and a selfish honest human there is no reason big enough or good enough out there to justify why my son is not at home with me. I used to believe everything had a reason. How could this much pain and suffering have a valid reason? Victor and I have worked on accepting we may never know “the reason” for our story, yet we continue to see ourselves as blessed. That is the key. It is all in perception. Not everything happens for a reason, God does not want to see His people in pain or despair it is just part of life though. He wants to love us and see us through these tough times. It is our job to lean upon Him, to find Him and to make the best out of the situation. The power all lies within our own hands to make the good and our own eyes to see the reason.

“We all struggle. We all suffer. We all experience pain, heartache and loss.” We all have a story and a battle we are fighting. I just buried my son; this is my battle. Think of it this way: it’s like when you give a little kid a cookie and then suddenly take it away. They throw a tantrum the biggest tantrum in history, for heaven sake you just took their cookie away! For a few short minutes that cookie was their world and now it’s gone. What is your “cookie”? Are you fighting demons? Are you struggling in your marriage? Did you get a bad grade? Are you facing unknown health issues today? Are you just over worked and stressed out? Your “cookie” is your battle. I should not judge that my battle is worse or harder. Each battle is hard on a personal level because that is YOUR world. “God’s will is not an event that happens to us, it’s how we respond to what happens… God’s will for us is to walk with Him through the cancer. Through the abuse. Through the death. Through the illness. God’s will is for us is to draw close to Him in the midst of pain. God’s will is for us to use our painful life events to carry his message of hope, grace, forgiveness and mercy.”

Honestly… Victor and I have given back where we can and found what good we can for now. We have shared our story with people near and far. We have shared as much of Abel and his condition with doctors in Cincinnati. We have offered to help parents in similar situations in the future. We have donated breast milk to babies in need... I would selfishly trade it all for more time with Abel; that is me being selfish and very honest and very transparent right now. Sometimes the pain I feel is so harsh that this good we have given back just seems stupid and inadequate. I can’t say that I am that glad someone else gets to benefit from my pain and brokenness, I really could probably give two shits less but… well there is no but… it’s just the way it is.

As I re-read what I have wrote: “God’s will is for us to use our painful life events to carry his message of hope, grace, forgiveness and mercy.” (I am not rewriting what I wrote because it is honest and true to my heart right now) It is not necessarily the good we give back… It is how we continue to walk with God how we continue to show the world His love, mercy, grace and hope. We know God loves us and we see His mercy and grace sometimes we just have to look for it or remind ourselves of it. He gave us precious moments with Abel, our very alive baby, thank you Jesus! We have hope because of God. As we have been angry with God at times in this roller-coaster journey God forgives us and continues to love us.

One more sweet moment of how cool God is, how He still shows us Abel is with us…

Yesterday was a hard horrible tough day. It all went wrong; if it could blow up it did. My heart was broken but I continued to try and hold it together. I failed at some times yesterday but even in those moments of failure at the time I thought I was holding it together pretty well. Anyways… with one simple comment from Victor my heart shattered. I couldn’t carry on any farther and to my bed a barely made it as I curled up in a ball of tears. Victor held me, our hearts broke together.  In our moments of despair, because sometimes they just strike and they strike hard, Tyrah and Colee showed up at our door...  God speaks through His children. A child’s innocence is beautiful sometimes we just need to take a few moments to sit back and really soak it in. Colee drew Abel this picture 

That's a pacifier and a bed- because Abel was a baby

How wonderful it is to see this sweet little girl celebrate our little boy even though she probably doesn’t truly grasp the situation, she doesn’t have to she just knows she loves Abel and that he is in heaven with Jesus.

We may not be OK today BUT we will be. We continue to move forward and God continues to love us and work with us and on us.  

Check This Out..

This past Saturday our sweet baby Abel would have been 1 month old...

I have tried on many occasions to write, to share with you, to update all of our friends and family. It just isn’t that easy. Victor had mentioned on our way to the hospital to have Abel that he hoped I would continue to write that it was good for me. He was right. However, every time I have attempted to put thoughts onto paper it has been fake; not from the heart. I was trying to sound more optimistic than I really feel. I was trying to make the silver lining more than it really is. Our hearts are broken and the only way I can think to describe it is: “IT JUST SUCKS!”

We have had good days and not so good days…

I want to share with you all that has happened. I want to share the continued miracles. I want to share with you how we have survived; honestly, it’s only by the grace of God that we continue to try and carry on. I wish I could share with you the emotions of this journey but I can't, I have tried but words do not do justice. To be honest, I am not sure if words could do justice if I would want any other parent to have a clue to what this hurt is like. It is a looking glass I would rather not let any mother or father ever look into.  I would rather protect parents from these feelings and emotions than try and share them. Writing about all of these emotions is like stirring up a muddy pond that finally settled for a day. We have experienced emotions that I don’t want to describe, there is no lie it has been horrible the worse nightmare possible. These are emotions you can’t put words to; I am not ready to try and put words to them either. I am not ready to “work” my way through them in that kind of detail. When we have good days we want to enjoy our good days for what they are- good days. When we have bad days, we are lucky to get out of bed. And on our ‘normal’ days we are just glad to be on auto-pilot and make it through the day.

We are making it, we are trying, we are doing it together and that’s what matters.

Like I started off saying, I want to share with you the good… The good is what we have to hold on to, it is what we need to use to move forward with.

Today I sent off 270 ounces of breast milk to needy little babies!

This is our first donation of 270 ounces. There is still more in the freezer!

I don’t know why or how this thought ever came into my mind. But a long time ago I thought how cool it would be to be able to donate such a great resource to those in need. It is a priceless resource if you ask me. I didn’t know how I would donate or if I ever would I just thought it was cool. Looking back it was God planting a seed. He knew. (He always does)

After Abel was born a lovely lactation consultant named Lisa at UT Hospital helped put us in contact with Mother’s Milk Bank in Raleigh North Carolina. (Knoxville does not have a milk bank yet, that’s why I couldn’t donate locally.)

So we give back…

I have been pumping to donate the milk to little babies that need it; because of Abel we can do this! Breast milk is a great resource for all babies. It is especially helpful for sick, premature, or addicted babies. Breast milk has life-saving antibodies the protect preemies (and full-term babies) against disease, illness and intestinal infections. These babies are already fighting some of their biggest battles in those first couple of days or months of their lives and breast milk can help them in tremendous ways. Some of these baby’s moms just can’t produce enough breast milk if any to help their babies fight, grow and survive. Plus all the added stress mom and dad have just having a baby in the NICU. We have now been given the opportunity to help these babies and their families. I can only imagine the sigh of relief this can give a mom as she only wants the best for her fragile little baby. One less thing to worry about knowing their baby is getting all the nutrients it needs from breast milk which can help the baby now and as he/she grows into a healthy little person!

Abel continues to touch lives.

We thank you all for the prayers and support. If you are reading this and haven’t made a donation in honor of Abel to the UT Hospital's NICU please check out our GoFundMe page at www.gofundme.com/babyabelsadventure. Every dollar helps. Something little can make a big difference in someone else life. Just like a few ounces of milk can add up and change a life!

Love you guys and thanks for following our story!

Thank You

I have tried numerous times to put my feelings and emotions into words. I can’t right now…

There is no describing what the past 3 weeks have been like. It has been a roller coaster of goods and bads, tears and smiles, laughter and sobbing. We are healing. We are trying to cope. We are working through the emotions and the grieving process. It is a long road ahead…

God continues to hold us closely.

I know and believe Abel’s story is not over. It has just begun!

God is continuing to work miracles. You can see one of the many in all the donations in honor of Abel. How amazing is that!?! This little boy was here on earth for exactly as long as God intended but he is still doing great things! 

One day I hope to be able to share with you all the other ways God has shown His mercy. One day I hope to tell you all the other ways God has provided, how He continues to answer prayers…

I did want to take a second to thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. We have raised over $4000 in honor of Abel for UT’s NICU building fund! This is awesome and amazing to say the least. Victor and I are in awe of the generosity and support that everyone has shown.

Not having Abel here with me is indescribable. It is a hurt and heartbreak I pray that no mother should ever have to endure. No money can bring my baby back, no words can take away the pain. On a good day though it is a breath of fresh air to see the good that is happening. It is rewarding to know that Abel continues to live on and help others. It is reassuring to believe we are doing something right.

Thank you. Thank you for loving me and my family. Thank you all for the kind words and support. Thank you for each and every donation in honor of Abel. Thank you for the calls, text, cards and letters. Thank each of you for the prayers that never seized; God hears them all. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

Abel Is Giving Back!

Victor and I have been deeply touched by all the love and support that family and friends near and far have shown us throughout this journey. Abel was and is one special little boy that is loved near and far. As this chapter in our story comes to an end another one begins. Abel will continue to bless others in ways we may never know.

With extremely heavy hearts we plan the funeral for our little boy. We will have a graveside service at Oak Ridge Memorial on Wednesday June 24, 2015 with family and close friends. In lieu of flowers we are asking for donations to the NICU Building fund at UT Hospital. I have set up a Go Fund Me account to help make donating easier:

www.gofundme.com/babyabelsadventure

Thank you in advance for every penny and every dollar. We are excited that Abel will be able to help other little babies that have a bigger than life fight ahead of them and their families in their biggest time of need.

Our Perfect Day

He was perfect. He is perfect.

He came into this world fighting.

Our lives are for forever changed.

He surprised doctors and nurses.

We knew he had it in him. He knew he had it in him.

God knew. God knows.

God gave us a perfect little boy.

Abel William Ford came into this world Thursday June 18, 2015 at 3:27 p.m.

God was in that room, we all felt the peace that He poured into the room. A sense of peace that this mommy and daddy needed to know it was going to be OK. It had to be OK. God was there. He was answering prayers. He was helping doctors. He was giving Abel strength. He was comforting Victor and me. As much as our hearts hurt and broke they were overfilled with joy at the same time.

He was fighting. He was a fighter; we shouldn’t have expected anything less.

He was a little red headed feisty little boy that wasn’t giving up!

His daddy got to meet him and cheer him on face to face as the doctors help give him the tools to fight.

I prayed.

Victor got to hold his son and was the proudest daddy there could be. It was love.

We had to make decisions no parent should have to make. We stayed strong as our hearts broke. Our son needed us to do what was right for him. We had to make some of the most selfless decisions known to man as the doctors told us if they continued Abel would be in great pain. We had to say no. It wouldn’t be fair to Abel; to the sweetest little boy God could give us.

I held him. I loved him. I love him.

I was in love.

He was so perfect. He is so perfect.

We talked and his daddy and I told him how proud we were of him. We had our moments. God was there. God was showering Victor and I with blessings as our hearts broke at the same time. God was holding all three of us as His plan unfolded.

Abel kept fighting to breath. The tube helped but you could see it in his eyes he was tiered. He had just had the biggest day ever! He made it into this world ALIVE and surprised everyone in that room, there wasn’t a dry eye. Jesus was holding him tight on this adventure.  

He had his daddy’s heart and determination. He had his mommy’s fight.

He saw his mommy and his daddy, he felt our love. He knows how much he is loved. He heard our voices, heard our cheers and felt our tears. We talked about meeting Jesus and I told him it was OK, not to be scared.

He took the world in. He soaked in our love as we poured our thoughts, encouragement and cheers onto him. We bathed him in kisses. We hugged him tight. This is what he had been fighting for, this was it! Welcome to the world Abel!

We held him as long as we could. But we could see he was getting tiered. He was still fighting but his little eyes were sleepy. He was in the midst of a very exciting day! His little body had worked so hard. His little heart hadn’t given up the fight not for a second.

Our hearts broke. In the same moment we were the proudest parents ever!

We made it back to the room where four of the proudest grandparents got to meet their grandson. Tears ran down cheeks, kisses were given as Abel was passed around. He was perfect. Victor and I were so proud to show him off to our parents. We were all so in love.  Our little baby angel love!

He had his mommy’s nose and his daddy’s ears. He looked just like us both! He had luscious lips, wavy red hair and sweet eyes with long blonde eye lashes. He had feet like his daddy and big ol’ hands. He was perfect.

At some point in all the love, tears and sweet words our sweet baby went to be an angel with Jesus.

Our day was perfect. 

But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Luke 18:16

Ready Set... Go

All according to His plan...

We are having a baby! World get ready to meet Abel William Ford!

The doctor decided at our appointment on Wednesday that it was best to induce. Victor and I checked in at midnight and started the new chapter of getting Abel into this world.

I feel God's peace and presence in our decision to induce. I feel at peace just as I did when I put all my trust in God before I even knew this journey was going to begin. God is in control and has His own plan. His plan will go accordingly and just as He wants.

Abel is a super loved little boy. He knows this and we know this; he sure feels the love! Thank you for all your prayers and thank you for the prayers still to come. Please also keep the doctors, nurses, and our families in your prayers as you lift our little boy up in your thoughts and prayers in the days to come. God knows we will all need them.

Only God knows how our story is written. But I know it will be PERFECT.